


Let Me Love You Goodbye

by fookinglousers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: @sophia i love you, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Because Nouis is pure, Canon Compliant, Drinking, Light Angst, M/M, Niall is Louis' BFF, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Louis, Smut, Sophia is in this because i love her, This takes place after Zayn left, but not really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 20:54:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6209749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fookinglousers/pseuds/fookinglousers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn left and Louis has to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Love You Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

  * For [turtle2mama](https://archiveofourown.org/users/turtle2mama/gifts).



> This is a birthday gift for my lovely aunt! I hope you like it and that it's everything you've dreamed of and more! 
> 
> It turned out way longer than I originally planned so oops.

Louis is tired of pretending. He's so, so exhausted of having to act like everything is fine in front of the cameras, in front of the thousands of screaming people, when in fact, nothing at all is fine. Nothing has been fine in months. Two months and three weeks exactly. Two months and three weeks that Louis hasn't been whole. He tries though, and tries and tries. It's working well enough; the only one whose really caught on is Niall. Louis pretends not to notice the sideways glances Niall sends him ever so often on stage, or the way he lets his hand linger a little too long on Louis' shoulder when they get ready to go on stage. The media is speculating drugs and they aren't far off, but it's nothing major. He needs it to curb his constant anxiety, the swirling thoughts ever present in his head. Harry hasn't said much to him, but that's normal. They haven't spoken, actually spoken, in over six months. Louis is thankful though, that at least Liam seems to be doing okay. So okay that he and Sophia have invited Louis out with them tonight. Louis is tired, so tired. But he agrees because he thinks he deserves a drink or ten. 

It's some posh club in central London with a subdued atmosphere and too many pretentious jerks to count. It's nice, though, so Louis can't complain. There are paps outside waiting for their drunken departure pictures and Louis wants to yell at them because he knows what they'll be asking as soon as they step out of the club. Once they're inside, he and Liam make a beeline for the bar while Sophia chats with some friends she's invited. Louis orders something strong and Liam doesn't ask. 

"Soph invited a few friends," Liam says, taking a small sip from his pint. Louis knows where this is going. "Pretty cute lot." 

Louis hums, thanking the bartender and slapping a bill on the counter before turning towards Liam. "Li, I'm fine. I don't need you to set me up." 

Liam sends him a glance that says he begs to differ before they make their way back to Sophia and her friends. Louis will admit that they are pretty cute, but none of them are what he wants. What he needs. _What he craves_. Because none of them are _him_. 

Louis makes idle conversation with the girl next to him, ignoring Sophia's not so subtle winks. It's nice. He's buzzed and it's nice. 

And then there are hushed whispers and people glancing over at them and back at the door and Louis peers over at Liam, only to see he's so wrapped up in Sophia that he hasn't noticed. The girl next to him nudges his arm, her perfect blonde brows furrowed. 

"Isn't that the guy who left you?" 

Louis' head snaps towards the door so fast, it's a wonder he doesn't get whiplash. 

He sees him. He's here. The girls statement rings more true than she could ever know and Louis' stomach clenches as he takes in Zayn's appearance. It's been so long. God, he's missed him so fucking much. He's beautiful, ethereal, as he stops and takes a few pictures with people before making his way up to the bar. He's here with people Louis doesn't recognize and it's no surprise that they haven't noticed him yet. He can capture a room so quickly. He can capture Louis even quicker. Zayn turns then, leaning into one of his mates as the guy whispers something into his ear, briefly glancing over at Louis' table. 

Louis jerks his head, averting his gaze and staring daggers at the side of Liam's head. This is one of the only times Louis' hated Liam's obliviousness. He leans over the table. 

"Liam," He murmurs, catching Sophia's attention and he must look pretty shitty because her brows shoot up before she smacks Liam's arm and points to Louis. Liam peers over then, leaning in too. "He's here." 

Liam gives him a confused look and Louis wants to hit him. 

" _He's here_." He says, this time more grave and it seems to click then because Liam's eyes go wide and dart around the room. 

It's not like Louis' worried that Zayn will come over here; he knows he won't. He wouldn't be surprised if he up and left right after seeing Louis and Liam here. He's just. He's still reeling, is the thing. Still dealing with the repercussions that Zayn's departure has left and he's just not ready to be here, breathing the same air as him, in the same room. He's just not. 

Liam seems to have found him, eyes quickly finding Louis' own again before he says, "Do you want to-"

"Yeah." Louis swallows, already making to stand. "Please." 

Liam just nods solemnly, holding a hand to Sophia who gracefully stands. All of her friends follow and Liam leads the way towards the exit, walking right past Zayn and his posse. It feels a bit like they're schoolchildren, but Louis doesn't give a damn. He's the last of the group, following the girls out to make sure no one gets left behind. They're all a bit buzzed, some of them stumbling and clinging on to each other like lifelines. 

The moment he passes Zayn, he feels it. He feels the spike in the air around him, the shift and electricity he always felt around Zayn. It's still there. He doesn't mean to, but it's instinct when he looks over at him. And Zayn's looking right back. 

It feels like the world around him stops in that moment when their eyes meet for the first time in months. It feels like the air is thicker, too thick, and neither of them move to look away. 

Louis is the first to break, shaking his head and staring hard at the ground as he finally reaches the exit, stepping out. Just as he expected, the paps are swarming, calling his name and Liam's name, Sophia's even. They're asking all kinds of questions, anything to get a rise out of them. Louis tries to ignore them as he's ushered towards the waiting SUV. 

"Is Zayn in there?"

"Did you guys talk?"

"Do you hate him?" 

"Do you still speak to him?"

"Do you miss him?" 

_Yes. No. Never. No. So fucking much._

 

**||**

 

 

The first text comes a week later while he's rehearsing. His phone pings just as they've agreed to take a break. His heart stutters when he sees the name and he can't breathe. With shaky hands, he unlocks it and reads it. 

 _ **Z:**_ _How are you?_

Louis doesn't respond, he only reads over it a few times before pulling in a breath and locking it back, sliding it into his jeans pocket. He doesn't know why Zayn's reaching out now, what prompted it. Maybe it was seeing Louis again. Maybe he misses him. He wants to ask Liam if he's also received a text, or any of the other lads, but he knows that if they had, they'd have said something. Louis doesn't say anything, only goes outside to smoke a cigarette and pretends like everything is fine. 

Everything is fine. 

 

**||**

 

"Lou," Niall's voice comes through the other end of the door. Louis is sat in his hotel room, some Spanish soap opera playing on the TV. "Open up. I've got a surprise." 

Louis knows what the surprise is because anytime Niall says he "has a surprise" it's almost always weed. But Louis isn't complaining. He opens the door and Niall bounds in, a flash of bleached hair with a tupperware container in his hands. 

He sets himself down on Louis' bed and grins at him, patting the spot next to him. 

"Got the good stuff," He says as he rolls a joint. Louis wants to mention that every time Niall says that, it usually isn't the good stuff. 

"What's the occasion?" Louis asks instead, taking the joint from Niall and lighting it, letting the smoke fill his lungs. Niall isn't one to smoke regularly like Louis and Harry are; only once every few months does Niall come to Louis, only Louis, and share a few joints or a blunt. 

Niall shrugs, taking his own hit before he looks Louis in the eyes and says, "Thought you might need it." 

Louis knows what's been splatter across the media since that evening. He knows that there are rumors of a rift between Zayn and him and Liam, knows that there's speculation about Zayn joining the band again, that people think they're making amends. Those are just a few of the many, many rumors that Louis has seen and he doesn't even want to mention what the Daily Mail has said. 

He knows that Niall has seen the headlines, knows that Harry has asked Liam what's going on. But everyone walks on eggshells around him when it comes to Zayn, they always have. He was the last to know that Zayn was leaving. The last to hear about it, from Harry no less, instead of Zayn himself. He shakes his head, pulling the joint between his lips. 

"'M fine, mate." 

Niall stares at him as he takes the joint. "Are you though?"

Niall's always had this funny way of seeing right through everything Louis' ever lied about, but he doesn't outright say it. When he and Harry broke up, Niall was the first at his side, shoving Ben & Jerry's in his face and making sure he was there. When Louis' nan passed, Niall was there to hold him as he sobbed uncontrollably. And now, even though Louis is lying in his face, lying to himself, Niall is here. He understands. 

Louis sighs, running a hand down his face and staring blankly at the TV. 

"He texted me." 

At that, Niall puts the joint out and turns on the bed so he's facing Louis. His features are open and he stays silent, waiting for Louis to continue. 

"Maybe it was nothing," Louis shrugs. "I don't know. He just asked how I was." 

Niall nods. "Did you answer?"

Louis shakes his head. 

"Why?" 

 _Because I can't,_ he thinks _. Because he took everything I had and ran away with it, leaving me with nothing but a closed off heart and dried up tears. Because he left me. He left me when he promised me he wouldn't; when he said he'd stay. And I believed him._

"I don't know." Louis says instead. He doesn't want to talk about this. But he doesn't want to be rude. Niall seems to understand though, because he turns his attention to the soap on TV and begins to blather about what he thinks the people are saying while using his best Spanish accent, sending Louis into a fit of laughter and effectively making his night one hundred times better. 

Louis loves Niall. 

 

**||**

 

The second text comes just two days after Louis' conversation with Niall. He's writing with Liam, a song he'd gotten the idea for when Zayn left. 

_It's inevitable everything that's good comes to an end._

Z: Hi

That's it. Just hi. And Louis wonders what he's playing at here. Why he's doing this to him when he knows how hurt he is. As Liam is going over the bars with Julian, Louis texts back. He's quick with it, ignoring his shaky fingers and the feeling in his gut. 

L: Hi.

Zayn's response is instant. Louis wonders where he is, what he's doing. 

_It's impossible to know if after this we can still be friends._

Z: How are u?

L: Fine. You?

Liam catches his attention, humming a melody and spouting off more possible lyrics to add, Louis jotting them down quickly. It's coming along. It sounds good, but it could be better. 

Z: Ok. 

And another text comes in just seconds later. 

Z: I miss u. 

 _I know you're saying you don't wanna hurt me,_  
_Well, maybe you should show a little mercy._

 

**||**

 

The boys get some time off in July and Louis goes to L.A. He's swarmed by paps as soon as his plane lands and it makes him itchy and cold. His Los Angeles home is big, too big, even. He'd bought it originally to share with someone, but things happen and plans fall through and hearts get broken. So now, he's here by himself and it's cold and lonely but he's fine. 

Everything is fine. 

The first night is the hardest. He hasn't been in this house in months and it's eerily quiet. He misses the boys, so he texts them often, even Harry. He facetimes Liam for a little while before he realizes it's past midnight and says goodnight to him and Soph before crawling into his too big bed and sleeping a maximum of two hours. 

When he wakes up, there's a text. It's from Zayn. Of course it's from Zayn. 

It's a picture. It's a fucking picture of him and Zayn from what seems to be one of the last few days that Zayn was there with him. It's awful, so fucking despicable that Zayn would even think it was okay to do this to him. God, he knows what he's doing to Louis and he keeps doing it. And Louis misses him so fucking much it hurts. It hurts all over and he doesn't think it will ever stop. There's a burning in his chest as he feels his eyes prick. Fuck him. Fuck him honestly. 

Louis wants to scream and cry and throw a goddamn tantrum. He wants to slap Zayn across the face and fuck him so hard he can't breathe. He hates him but he loves him more and he doesn't think he'll ever stop and fuck Zayn for knowing. 

Louis doesn't respond.

Zayn doesn't text again. 

_Unforgettable together, held the whole world in our hands._

 

**||**

 

Louis wallows all day, not leaving the bed. He doesn't answer Niall's texts and ignores a call from Liam. It isn't until Harry is the one calling him that he realizes how much they must be worried. 

"Hello?" He rasps, wincing at his own voice. 

"Hey," Harry's honey-like voice comes through the receiver. "How are you?"

Louis shifts in bed, muting the TV. "What's this about?" 

He and Harry rarely text each other, let alone call. So he knows Harry's beating around the bush. 

Harry sighs on the other end, long and heavy before he says, "Why aren't you answering anyone?" 

Louis wants to ask why he cares, but he refrains. "I'm busy." He lies. 

Harry knows it's a lie. 

"Louis," He says, but his voice has taken a softer edge. "I talked to Liam. And Niall." 

Traitors, he thinks. He's never telling them anything ever again. He's quiet, doesn't respond to Harry. 

Harry sighs again, as if Louis is a petulant child he has to deal with more often than he'd like. "Look, Lou. I know what it's like, okay?" He starts. "I know what it's like to want something you can't have; to love someone who doesn't feel as strongly as you. I know, Louis. And this, whatever this is that's going on between you two now, this is not that. This is not one sided, it's not unrequited. Because I know what that's like. This isn't that, Lou." 

Harry's words make Louis' chest hurt because he knows that Harry is talking about him. He knows that it hurt Harry to see Louis fall in love with someone other than himself, knows that he's still in pain to this day. That's why Louis distanced himself; for Harry. Because even after everything, he'd still do anything for Harry. He wonders, though, what it would've been like to fall deeply in love with Harry instead. He wonders if he'd of been happier, if his heart would still be in tact. 

"Haz," He breathes. "I don't know what to say." 

"Just. Just think about it Lou." Harry mumbles into the line. "Think about what you're losing here. Fight for it, Louis. Trust me." 

And they end the call soon after that, Louis' heart feeling ten times heavier than it did this morning. 

 

**||**

 

Louis lasts another night in his home before Zayn haunts him again. It's seven in the evening when he receives another text. 

Z: I'm in LA

Louis' heart lurches, his head whirling. What's he supposed to do with that information? Does Zayn know he's in LA too? Harry's words echo through his head. _Fight for it._

He texts him back ten minutes later after much deliberation. 

L: Come over.

Zayn's response is instant. 

Z: Be there in 20

 

**||**

 

Louis rushes to the door as soon as the bell chimes, fixing his fringe just right over his head. He won't admit that he tried to look good, but he definitely did. With a deep breath, he pulls the door open. Zayn's standing there and God he's so fucking pretty. He's wearing a gray scoop neck that reveals his chest tattoos and tight black jeans that make Louis' mouth water. Louis wordlessly moves aside for Zayn to enter, closing the large door behind him. He leads him into the living room and they sit on the white sofa that Jay insisted he get. 

It's quiet. 

Neither of them are looking at each other. There's a bottle of wine on the coffee table, two glasses next to it and Louis realizes then what that looks like. Fuck. 

"So," Zayn's voice actually startles Louis because he feels like he hasn't heard it in so fucking long. It's been like a drought. A Zayn drought. "How are the boys?"

Right. There are other people who exist besides himself and Zayn. 

"Uh," Smooth. "Good, really good." 

Zayn hums, picking at a piece of fringe on his shirt. Louis clears his throat, looking for an escape. He leans forward and picks up the wine. 

"You want some?" 

The corner of Zayn's mouth tilts up and he nods, finally looking directly at Louis. Louis' chest feels a little lighter and he sends him a small smile of his own. He pours them two glasses and hands Zayn his, taking a sip of his own. 

"How's your mum? Your sisters?" Louis asks, watching Zayn lick his lips. 

"Great, they miss you lot." 

"I miss them too," Louis says quietly, barely catching himself. "We all do." He tacs on. 

It's quiet again for a few minutes, both drinking their wine. 

"'M making some music." Zayn says, peering up at Louis through his long eyelashes. Louis loves Zayn's eyelashes. 

This is news to him, though. It's safe to say he hasn't been following any news related to Zayn for his own health. "Oh?" 

Zayn nods, finishing off his glass. Louis pours him another and tops his own off. 

"Yeah, it's going pretty well so far." He says. "'S different." 

"Good different?" Louis asks. 

"Good different." Zayn smiles at him. Louis' missed this so much. He's missed small talk and drinking with Zayn, he's missed sharing this house with him and making him smile and laugh. He's missed him so much. 

"I miss you." He blurts.

Zayn glances over at him, eyes intent, searching for any hint of a lie. "Lou-" 

Louis interrupts though because he's already made an arse of himself so why not continue. "I talked to Harry the other day." He says and Zayn sits up a little straighter. It's not that him and Harry didn't get along, it's just that there was always this unspoken thing between them and Louis has always felt bad for putting that distance between the two. "We talked for a bit. Mostly about you. He's pretty smart when he wants to be." 

Zayn chuckles and takes a sip, eyes never leaving Louis. "What did he say?" 

Louis swallows, peers down into his wine glass. "Nothing really." Louis shrugs. He doesn't want to share. What Harry said was private. It was meant to stay between himself and Louis and Louis respects that. "Was nice though." 

Zayn watches him for a minute before he reaches a hand out, placing it on his thigh. It burns. "I've missed you too, y'know." 

Louis knows. 

"How's Perrie?" Is what comes out of his mouth. He doesn't look at Zayn.

"Lou, that's-" Zayn sighs. "That's not. No. That's over. It's been over." 

His hand remains on Louis' thigh and Louis wants to kiss him. 

"Oh, sorry." 

Zayn shrugs and Louis notices that he's closer than he was before. "I'm okay." 

Louis turns to him then, eyes burning. "Are you though? Okay, I mean." 

Zayn's bourbon eyes lock with his as he says, "I try to be. Are you?"

Louis glances at Zayn's hand on his thigh before back at Zayn, meeting his eyes. "I will be, I think." 

And he places his hand tentatively on top of Zayn's, squeezing. His heart flutters and for the first time in months, he feels alive. He feels like he'll be okay. Zayn's here and everything in the universe is right again. And then Zayn's taking his glass from him, setting it next to his own on the table before he pulls him in and kisses him, slow and sweet. Red wine tints their lips and it's dizzying and Louis loves it. He runs his hands through Zayn's hair, reveling in the feel of it all. It's been so long. 

_One more taste of your lips just to bring me back,  
To the places we've been and the nights we've had. _

Zayn pulls him into his lap, his own hands finding Louis' hips and squeezing gently as if he's trying to ground himself; like he can't believe this either. It gets heated quickly, Louis opening his mouth for Zayn to explore, his hands tugging at Zayn's perfect hair. Zayn moans into his mouth, hips bucking up and knocking the breath out of Louis. It's hot and sticky and it's not enough. 

Louis breaks the kiss, panting as he rests his forehead against Zayn's. 

"Come upstairs with me."

And Zayn nods, letting Louis climb off of him and hold his hand as he leads them both up the white stairs and into Louis' bedroom, a room Zayn's been in many times before. 

Louis lays down on his bed, letting Zayn climb on top of him, aligning their hips as he leans down and licks along the seam of Louis' lips. Louis grips at Zayn's shirt, moaning when Zayn works his way down to Louis' neck, kissing in the spot that he knows drives Louis' wild. Louis grinds his hips up, earning a groan from Zayn as he retaliates by grinding back and then they're losing it. They're grinding against each other and Louis feels like he could burst at any moment. He gasps into Zayn's mouth, pulling at his hair to yank him away. 

Zayn's eyes are burning, fiery and intense and Louis wants him inside, now. 

"Fuck me," He breathes, not missing the way Zayn's breath hitches. "Please, Zayn." 

Zayn closes his eyes for a moment before he opens them, peering back down at Louis with a look that almost knocks the wind out of him. "Fuck, Lou. Yes." 

Louis works Zayn's shirt off, kissing along his collarbones. Zayn stands, shimmying out of his pants and God, Louis almost comes right then. The sight of Zayn in front of him naked is absolute sin. Zayn hovers over him, eyes locked on Louis' own as he unbuttons Louis' jeans and works them down his legs. Louis swallows, letting his head drop down onto the pillow below when Zayn crawls back up his body, hot breath ghosting over Louis' dick. His hips stutter when Zayn places a single open mouthed kiss to the head before crawling up a little further to get Louis' shirt off. 

He kisses him again sweetly before trailing his hands down Louis' body like he wants to familiarize himself with every edge and curve again. It drives Louis mad, chills running down his body and his dick getting impossibly harder. He can't take it. 

"Zayn," He pleads, bucking up into Zayn's fist when he wraps it around his cock. "Please, please, need you _now_." 

Zayn groans into his neck before nodding. He reaches blindly into Louis' nightstand, one hand still wrapped around Louis' cock and working double time. He pulls out the lube and finally lets go of Louis just before he comes. Louis is relieved and frustrated all the same. He watches as Zayn coats his fingers in lube, slow and teasing before finally setting it aside and leaning over Louis' body again. 

Louis gasps when he feels Zayn's finger at his hole. 

"Please," He whispers, eyes shutting. 

Zayn presses in all the way to the knuckle and works his finger in and out a few times before adding a second. It's been awhile since Louis' done this to himself, but it was never the same as when Zayn did it it. His long fingers always reached places Louis couldn't ever find on his own. 

When he presses a third in, he finally stops teasing and hits Louis' prostate dead on, sending him reeling. His back arches off the bed and he moans loudly, urging Zayn on. He hits it relentlessly until Louis is a sobbing mess, so close to coming on himself from just Zayn's fingers. As if he can sense it, Zayn pulls them out, leaving Louis whining. He coats his cock with the lube and lines himself up. 

"I missed you," He murmurs before leaning in and kissing Louis. Louis kisses back with all he has, hoping Zayn understands just how much he means to him, how lost he's been without him.

"I missed you too, Z, so fucking much." Louis gasps out as Zayn pushes in. 

His hands find their way to Zayn's bare back, marking him up as he rocks into Louis. His thrusts are merciless, knocking every breath out of Louis as he gets fucked into the mattress. It's almost primal, the way Zayn's fucking him. Like he's marking Louis from the inside, making sure he won't be able to walk right for days after. Making sure that anytime he sits, he'll remember this exact moment. Fuck if that doesn't drive Louis wild. 

"Zayn, Zayn," Louis chants, eyes clenched shut and nails digging into the boy above. Zayn groans, dropping his head into the crook of Louis' neck as he speeds up even more, pounding Louis harder still. "God, fuck!" 

"Louder," Zayn grunts, breath hitting Louis' ear. "Want everyone to hear you." 

Louis whines, high in his throat. Zayn wraps a hand around his cock, stroking in time with his thrusts. "Zayn! Please! Oh, fuck, please!" 

Zayn bites into his shoulder then, hitting his prostate over and over and Louis can't take anymore. He comes all over Zayn's hand. All over himself and Zayn and he sees stars, his back arching off the bed and his hips grinding into Zayn, meeting him thrust for thrust. He's sure he screams, he's sure by the way Zayn curses loudly above him, coming into him right after. Hot liquid fills him up and he's so exhausted but he's never felt more alive. 

After they clean each other up, Zayn preferring to use his mouth to clean Louis, they lay in Louis' bed, tangled together. 

"Please don't leave again," Louis whispers, hand held tightly in Zayn's, right over his heart. 

"I won't. Never again, Lou." 

 

**||**

 

**Author's Note:**

> The song referenced in this fic is Love You Goodbye by One Direction and it's definitely about Zayn, fight me.
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr!](https://hansolostyles.tumblr.com/)


End file.
